Last night I made dinner for some family friends, one of whom introduced me to Integral Coaching Canada three years ago when I was trying to figure out how to stitch together my seemingly disparate interests and experiences.
After catching up on life happenings and what I was currently working on, they said, “You seem tired. Tired of what’s happening around you. Tired of moving through the world in the way that you are. Maybe after anger comes a feeling of tiredness.”
They were right, of course. I am tired.
Upon further discussion, it became clear that one of the reasons I’m so tired is because of the constant tension I’m holding between the work I want to do as a creative and the work I need to do to get out from underneath a mountain of debt.
These two objectives are in direct conflict with one another. My two wants cannot coexist and yet they must for now.
Were I just to focus on my creative work, I would fall behind on my debt repayment with dire financial consequences. Were I just to focus on making money, I would end up where I always end up when I try doing that: miserable if not completely depressed.
And as long as I continue to wrestle with these opposing longings, I will continue to be tired. What I’m trying to figure out is how to find more ease within that dynamic.
I think that inviting more ease into my process might look like getting even more specific with the work I want to do and creating more generous boundaries around that work. It might also look like putting more supports in place around my creative practice.
I definitely know that more easefulness requires a less intense debt-repayment schedule and more time spent feeding my creative self.
I am trying to look at this revelation as an opportunity for me to be more intentional in my work as opposed to as a reason to feel despair. Perhaps this is what I needed to realize before I could create the change I need to do my best work.
I will let you know.
In the meantime, how might being tired change how you show up?